Sociophobia

When I was li'l I was quite people shy. To an extent that I wished I could go invisible. I always tried to avoid doing anything that could cause attention to me. From anyone and everyone. I used to in a way dread PTA meetings coz that meant teachers paying attention to me for a specific duration. I still remember faintly about an incident during my primary school. During an annual event, for some occasion my dad stood up to ask a question during a discussion before the crowd. I was so embarrassed that my classmates would point out that it was my dad speaking that I wished I could be invisible instantly. In fact when we'd go to my grand parents during the summer vacation, I'd go sit in a dark room all by myself for upto half hr before I felt comfortable meeting all my relatives whom I would every summer. This went on for quite a few summers. I still don't understand the reason for such a behavior.

Over the years I was ok with people noticing my presence. But attention still made me uncomfortable. I remember my music teacher in my 7th and 8th std. I may have hated her. She would conduct music tests. And the test was to sing before the entire class. And I was someone who wouldn't sing even when I was just by myself. I believed I just couldn't sing without even attempting it once. The lady never bothered about why or how to get me to. She just gave me C/C- every single time. Around this time I remember I was chosen to deliver a speech on Teacher's day. I practiced hard, memorized every single line and did deliver it with li'l mistake. But it was a flat and emotionless delivery. And frankly I was in a kind of trance all through the delivery. I came to my senses only after I was off the podium.

Then came the time when I had to give my first presentation to my class in the 10th std. And I found I was nervous, yet quite ready for it. I did much better than my first public speech. And sine then I have been fairly comfortable talking before people. I seemed to not mind attention at most times. In fact I figured it was good to be noticed. It brought me opportunities. And today when I watched this video I wished I was not as shy around people. May be then I would have wanted to be around them. And may be I too would have been able to learn new art forms. And may be got a few B/B+ in my music tests.